Preparing for Loss

Today is a day that I have felt hurt like never before. I am preparing for the loss of my dear granfather (Papa). Papa has meant the world to me, in so many ways, throughout my entire life. I feel so empty and so lost today. I feel scared, too. I have wanted to write about this for the last week, but could not bring myself to do it. I feel that today must be the day. Let me start off by explaining what is happening...

On December 12th (the day Mia was born) my Meme and Papa were up that morning and getting ready to drive to Sherman from Farmers Branch to be there when Mia arrived. They never made it. I remember wondering where they were as they were preparing me for surgery. They were always by the side of every family member during every big event. By the end of that day, my mother finally told me that Papa was having chest pains, and they did not make it to the hospital because they had to go to the hospital for him. Mom and Dad tried to wait as long as possible to tell me as to not upset me. Three days later Papa had a 5 bypass heart surgery. He has not made it home since. That has been almost 3 months and 2 weeks ago. Until then, Papa was a healthy grandfather. He was active. He was playing with grandchildren, he was cutting hair, he was spending time with my Meme walking, going to church events, having breakfast at McDonalds, laughing, spending time with his family, you name it. He was Man of the Year in my eyes. That's what makes this even harder, that 3 months ago, he was healthy, he was touching my pregnant belly and talking about how much he couldn't wait to meet her and hold her.

Since then, he did not recover well, and had to go to a rehab facility until he got stronger. During his stay there, he got weaker and weaker. They removed fluid from his heart and other various procedures and did physical therapy with him. They complained to our family that Papa "wasn't trying" to get well. He was not breathing well, and on oxygen. To make a long story short, 3 months later he wound up being rushed to the hospital. The surgeons went in to do a procedure on his lungs to see if they could find where the problem with his breathing was. Papa had a collapsed left lung, and it had been that way so long that there was extensive damage. They did what they could to inflate that lung, but failed. Papa has been in ICU for the last few weeks, with no improvements. He began to bleed internally and his liver began to fail. On Wednesday of last week, we were told that he only had a few days left. The family has not left his bedside since then, and it's been a week.

Yesterday, my Meme made the hardest decision of her life, and that was to take him off of the respirator today. At 10:00 a.m. today, Papa will be taken off and given morphine so that he does not suffer. Today, I am almost sure of, my Papa will be taken home to be with the Lord.

As a Christian, I know that that should be the most comforting thing in the world to know right now. He has so many special loved ones waiting for him in Heaven. His son, Britt, his parents, a grandchild, Jeffery,and many friends he has lost along the way. I just wish that this truly brought the comfort that it should.

I don't want him to leave us. Selfishly, I want the doctors to fix him, but I know this is not possible. I just wish I could stop the hands of time and reverse them. It feels so unfair. I have thought, daily, of my good college friend, Bonnie, in Fayetteville, AR who has just lost her husband in January, leaving her with a 2 year old, and a baby on the way. The death of her husband came so unexpectantly, and without warning. I wonder how she is coping on a daily basis, but if you read her blog, she is so strong, and is healing through her strength in God. I just sometimes wish Papa had gone Home much sooner and un-expectantly, so that this "waiting" period didn't have to exist. But I know that was not in God's plan. I sometimes feel that God caused this delay in his passing away so that my Meme could be better prepared to be on her own. Basically, for the last 3 months with him not home, she has learned how to be on her own a little better. For that, I am greatful.

I know that God knows what he is doing, and this is all in his plan. Sometimes, I just wish we could change God's mind. I feel so empty already, and Papa isn't even gone yet. In 20 minutes, he will be off the respirator. At that point, I hope that he goes quickly and peacefully. Everything makes me feel lonesome for him right now. Even just stepping outside and feeling the wind, makes me lonely for him. Every grey headed sweet man I see puts a lump in my throat. It seems that every elderly man I see reminds me of my Papa. I just wish he had many more years to continue growing old with the love of his life, my Meme.

I cry for my Meme, and I wonder how she will cope. They have been married for 60 years! I look at my husband of almost a year and a half, and sadly think that we probably won't even have the chance to be together for 60 years, at our age. Meme and Papa were married as teenagers. Papa is all she's ever known. He was such a great provider. He did everything for her. I hurt so much when I think of her learning to be without him after 60 years. They were so in love, and so crazy for one another after all that time. I know that God will take care of her, but for now that still doesn't take the ache out of my heart.

I cry for my mother. My Papa gave my mother the gift of her voice. The two of them sang and could bring tears to anyone's eye by listening. Papa lead the music at First Baptist Church, Farmers Branch for years. Every Christmas he sang a solo in their "Human Christmas Tree" performance. His voice echoes in my mind constantly. That soothing sound of him singing. My mother is hurting so badly, preparing to lose her Daddy. I can't even imagine. He was such a great father, from the stories she shares. I look at my Daddy, and I don't know how she is even standing on two feet, but she is. My momma is strong. My Daddy is a wonderful husband to her, and for that I am comforted. I will miss hearing Papa sing. Sing at church, sing around the house, hum a tune while we are together on Sundays. I loved his beautiful, soothing voice.

I cry for Mia. Mia will never get to know him. He was such an amazing grandfather. I took her a few times to see him, but he was too weak to hold her. He would look at her and touch her feet and hands. It just broke my heart. You could see it in his eyes that it pained him not to hold his new great-grand baby. Every child born in our family has the same picture with Papa. He would be sitting in a chair, with the baby in his lap, tiny head resting in his big strong hands, and he would kiss their sweet heads. It was tradition, and I never got to have that picture with her and her Papa. I know he'll be watching over her, though.

I cry for my new family, Kelley and Bailey. Papa took Bailey in after I married Kelley, as his own grandaughter. He loved her and cared for her as if she had been in our family all along. I know Bailey loved him, and this will hurt her, too. Kelley and Papa hit it off from day one. They would watch sports together while the women in the family would yack and cackle in the other room, and they would talk "shop". I am so thankful that Papa lived long enough to see who I was going to grow old with, and know that he approved and cared for my husband so much. Papa knew that I was with a good man, who will always care and provide for me the way Papa did for his family.

I cry for my Daddy. My Daddy lost his Daddy before I was born. A sudden heart attack. My Papa was the closest thing my father had left to a father of his own. Daddy and Papa were always into projects around the house, laughing, watching movies and snoring together after Sunday lunch, and sitting together and laughing at all the women in their lives as we got loud and share and laugh about silly stories from our daily lives. Up until Meme and Papa got older, we all traveled to Colorado every summer with RV's. We all had cb's in our vehicles and "handles" and would caravan to Colorado while talking to each other over the CB. Papa's handle was "tune crooner". Papa and Daddy were RV buddies. It was what they looked forward to all year. There are so many wonderful memories of our trips. The fishing, the shopping, the traditions, the apple pies and ice cream, making sandwiches at roadside parks and eating so Papa and Daddy could stretch their legs. I'm so sorry that my Daddy is losing the best friend he had in my Papa.

I am crying so hard now, reliving these memories, and realizing that they will be no more. I just want him to surprise us, and suddenly start breathing on his own, here in a few minutes, when they unhook him, but I know this will not be.

I just hope, no wait, I KNOW that my Papa is leaving this earth knowing how loved he was, and how empty our lives will be without him. I know, that in time, the pain will ease, but right now it hurts unlike anything I have ever felt before. I hurt for losing him, for my Meme, for my mother, for my Aunt Kathy, for my Daddy, my husband and children, for my cousins, for my sister, for my uncle, for Lexi (their Pomeranian who lived in Papa's lap), for all of his dear friends, for everyone who's lives Papa touched. I know there is a huge list.

Papa was one of the strongest Christians that I have ever known. I know he is so ready to be with the Lord in Heaven and to no longer suffer. During my life, I have seen my Papa worship the Lord with his beauful voice year after year....singing the most beautiful hymns that I will forever hear him sing in my mind.

I love you Papa, and you were the best Husband, Father, Grandfather, Father-in-Law, and friend anyone could have ever asked for.

(Sorry everyone. I know this was not an uplifing post, but my heart had to do this.Thank you all for your prayers the last 3 months. In a way that is so sad, but true, those prayers are being answered today, and he is going Home)

I love you all.